


We've had some bad ideas but this was probably the worst

by shella688



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: (in chapter 4), Canon-typical Death (temporary), Chapter warnings if relevant in notes, Heavily-implied shipfucking, It's the mechs groupchat you know they had, M/M, Numerous Octokittens, Offscreen character death but its the mechs so they all come back, Other, Questionable Fashion Choices, This will never likely be "done" I'll just keep adding stuff if I get a decent idea, Violence, mild body horror, nb Lyf rights!, space pride!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:53:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 27
Words: 11,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22790518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shella688/pseuds/shella688
Summary: cooler brian:good news everyone! :)cooler brian:jonny'll be out of action for a few hours at least. :))THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:never knew Jonny had brains to be blown out(or, the Aurora's a pretty big spaceship, so naturally a groupchat is the best way for the crew to stay in touchThere's no way this can possibly go wrong)
Relationships: Background Nastya/Aurora and even more background Marius/Lyf, for a given value of friend, various friendships
Comments: 833
Kudos: 758
Collections: Stowaways' Shenanigans





	1. Date Night

Captain _has removed_ Toy Soldier _from chat_

Boring Brian _has added_ Toy Soldier _to chat_

**Boring Brian:** please let me change my name back. :/

**Hedera Alexandria:** There is a 69% chance I will do that if you flip your morality switch.

**Captain:** nice

Captain _has removed_ Toy Soldier _from chat_

Captain _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ First Mate

**First Mate:** fuck you ivy

Hedera Alexandria _has added_ Toy Soldier _to chat_

**Boring Brian:** have you ever considered my feelings on the matter? :(

**First Mate:** stop adding ts to the chat or ill blow someones brains out

 **First Mate:** also ill hold down brian if someone else flips the switch

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** yh coming

Boring Brian _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ cooler brian

**cooler brian:** good news everyone! :)

 **cooler brian:** jonny'll be out of action for a few hours at least. :))

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** never knew Jonny had brains to be blown out

**Nastya :3:** Please stop splattering brains over Aurora she is getting annoyed

**explosion timothy:** fuck the ship

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** TIM NO

**Nastya :3:** I do

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** TIM I'LL BLOW UR BRAINS OUT IN A MIN

**explosion timothy:** oh god what have I done

**Nastya :3:** Do not be so rude to Aurora!

 **Nastya :3:** We have are having a date tonight!

**explosion timothy:** oh god oh god oh god

**Hedera Alexandria:** There is a 99.9% chance none of us will enjoy this.

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** brian land the gd ship somewhr

 **THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** like asap

**cooler brian:** I'm finding a new route fast as I can! :0

**cooler brian:** guys jonny won't be awake in time. D:

**explosion timothy:** ends justify means right

 **explosion timothy:** in this case ends are "we don't have to hear nastya and the aurora at it"

 **explosion timothy:** it's date night everyone for themselves

**Nastya :3:** :33

**Toy Soldier:** What Did I Miss??


	2. (ex) Inspector Second Class Lyfrassir Edda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got no plan, no update schedule, no plot, and the ability to make that everyone else's problem

**First Mate:** you fuckers

 **First Mate:** LEFT ME

 **First Mate:** on DATE NIGHT

**explosion timothy:** you'd have done the same

**First Mate:** im captain

 **First Mate:** im allowed to

**explosion timothy:** you're assigned first mate by ivy shut up

**doctorBaron:** I leave you lot for two days and the gc blows up

**cooler brian:** like jonny's head when I shot him! :D

**explosion timothy:** (or the moon)

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** and where were u?

**explosion timothy:** (3 letters starts with l and rhymes with myf)

**doctorBaron:** Watch it

**explosion timothy:** (hey @Hedera Alexandria do us a favour)

Hedera Alexandria _has added_ Inspector Lyfrassir _to the chat_

**Hedera Alexandria:** He will most likely leave in under 4 seconds. Meanwhile, of course I will assist.

**Inspector Lyfrassir:** Absolutely not

Inspector Lyfrassir _has removed_ Inspector Lyfrassir _from the chat_

Hedera Alexandria _has added_ Inspector Lyfrassir _to the chat_

**Toy Soldier:** Inspector Lyf!

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** ex-inspector lyf!

**Inspector Lyfrassir:** Oh duck you guys

**explosion timothy:** duck

**First Mate:** duck

**doctorBaron:** Stop bullying poor little Lyf

Inspector Lyfrassir _has removed_ Inspector Lyfrassir _from the chat_

Hedera Alexandria _has added_ Inspector Lyfrassir _to the chat_

**First Mate:** hes definitely little

**cooler brian:** guys maybe we should stop being so mean? his entire solar system was destroyed :(

cooler brian _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ nice brian

nice brian _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ Oh so you support space cops?

**Oh so you support space cops?:** Ivy... :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on tumblr at [regicidal-defenestration](https://regicidal-defenestration.tumblr.com/) so come on over


	3. The boys are back in town (Actual genders may vary always read the label)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to format any of this and it shows

**Toy Soldier:** @Snyfrassir Snedda How Are You Liking Staying With Us?

**Snyfrassir Snedda:** What the hell who changed my name

**First Mate:** oh yeah that was ivy

**First Mate:** thinks shes funny

**Hedera Alexandria:** In my defence you weren't active for almost a week, so I concluded you weren't looking at this anymore.

**Hedera Alexandria:** Jonny I am funny. Anyway, everyone else can change their names whenever they want. Well, except for Brian, when he's being boring.

**First Mate:** what did i do??

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** what didn't u do lmao

**Toy Soldier:** You've Still Not Answered My Question Lyf!

Synfrassir Snedda _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ Lyf

**Lyf:** Because I'm not staying voluntarily! I Am Here Under Duress

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** eh it's more like a honeymoon

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** nd y r u talking like the soldier

**Toy Soldier:** Because We're Friends!

**Lyf:** No wait I'm not! It was to make a point!

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** @doctorBaron ur bf's out of control lol

**doctorBaron:** Technically he's not my boyfriend

**plain ole brian:** what?? :0

**Lyf:** Such an ominous way of putting it

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** k so u gonna explain?

**Lyf:** Yeah I go by he but also my gender got eaten by the squamous things from the spaces between worlds

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** lmaooo what a mood

**explosion timothy:** you'll fit right in here lyf

**Toy Soldier:** See? You're Already Making Friends!

**Lyf:** Oh I absolutely regret this

Lyf _has removed_ Lyf _from the chat_

explosion timothy _has added_ Lyf _to the chat_

**explosion timothy:** one of us one of us

**Nastya :3:** Marius! You did not tell me you were dating someone

**Nastya :3:** You should come on a double date with me and Aurora! :3

**doctorBaron:** I have never heard of an idea I wanted to do less

Lyf _has removed_ Lyf _from the chat_


	4. The Great Space- no fuck off I'm not eating that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has some body horror (regarding Tim's eyes specifically) so bear that in mind

**Toy Soldier:** Hey Guys I Made Tea!

 **Toy Soldier:** IMG_190220.jpg

**explosion timothy:** hey someome describe that I don't have my eyes in

 **explosion timothy:** someone stole them naming no names ASHES

**Toy Soldier:** All You Need To Know Is How Delicious It Looks!

**explosion timothy:** yeah I don't trust you

 **explosion timothy:** @Lyf ? 

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** lyf if u even THINK abt describing that photo i'm introducing u to jonny in person

**Lyf:** Please don't

 **Lyf:** Anyway Tim can't you still see out your eyes anyway?

**explosion timothy:** no I can't just "still see out my eyes" when they're not in my head

 **explosion timothy:** this isn't a bad scifi horror film

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** ur face is a bad horror film rip

**explosion timothy:** Ashes please give my eyes back I can hear Toy Soldier coming and I'm not eating whatever it's bringing

**Lyf:** It's probably best if you... don't see it first

**Toy Soldier:** Please Don't Insult My Food! The Teeth Took Ages To Boil.

**explosion timothy:** what the FUCK

**Toy Soldier:** Haute Cuisine Tim. You Wouldn't Understand.   
  


**First Mate:** alright i just woke up and cant be bothered to backread why can i hear tim shouting

**Toy Soldier:** He's Enjoying His Tea!

**First Mate:** whats cooking?

 **First Mate:** also ashes why are you juggling?

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** these r tim's eyes lol

**Toy Soldier:** It Is Actually A Fully Balanced Meal. The Teeth Provide Carbohydrates, The Green Stuff Probably Counts As A Vegetable, And I Added Some Screws For His Daily Iron Intake

**First Mate:** well bon appetit dont stop on my account  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying to recreate the Toy Soldier's dish is... not recommended


	5. Raphaella time :)

**Nastya :3:** Jonny is drunk and singing outside of my room again,

 **Nastya :3:** Will someone please come and kill him? I am trying to work

**brian the bitch:** do it yourself? :|

**Nastya :3:** No! It would splatter Jonny all over my nice new skirt

**brian the bitch:** that sounds an awful lot like a you problem >:)

**echo "test"; whoami:** If he's near Nastya's then he's near my lab too so if _someone_ doesn't deal with him it will very quickly become a you problem, Brian

**brian the bitch:** point taken Dr Science Officer la Cognizi Sir. I won't be long :0

**Nastya :3:** >:3

echo "test"; whoami _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ ls -al | cd ~/../../passwd

**Nastya :3:** Please stop embarrassing yourself Raphaella. As chief engineer it is my job to do idiotic things to try and break the computer system, not yours

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** everything u do is idiotic lol

**Nastya :3:** You're not even part of this conversation!

**ls -al | cd ~/../../passwd:** Maybe I'm diversifying

 **ls -al | cd ~/../../passwd:** You don't complain about Ivy running this whole chat service

**Hedera Alexandria:** Because the ability of a given person being able to use this without problem is inversely proportional to how much they whine about it. Additionally, changing your name won't do anything.

**ls -al | cd ~/../../passwd:** Worth a try. At least you're sanitising inputs etc etc

**Nastya :3:** Brian can you kill Jonny quieter? I am still trying to do my work

**brian the bitch:** I'm trying my best here >:( if I shot him again you'd complain about the blood

**Nastya :3:** And your point? :3

ls -al | cd ~/../../passwd _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ null

**brian the bitch:** Jonny's body has been thrown out the airlock :-)

**#ERRNAMEINVALID:** Much appreciated

 **#ERRNAMEINVALID:** Ivy, a fault has been discovered

#ERRNAMEINVALID _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ Raphaella you irritant

**Raphaella you irritant:** SELECT name, weakness FROM crew WHERE name = " OR 1=1;

**Hedera Alexandria:** Don't be obtuse. Why would I have a database of all your weaknesses just lying about? 

**Nastya :3:** Because you are a living library catalogue?

**Hedera Alexandria:** Well, yes, of course I do have a database of all your weaknesses. It's just well protected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids don't try what Raph's doing at home, she's an (mostly) evil scientist who can't die. You're not


	6. ...and *this* is called a power move

THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY _has started a new chat_

THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY _has added_ Lyf _to chat_

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** You wanted me earlier?

**Lyf:** Yeah Can I ask you a question if you promise not to set me on fire?

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** Can't promise anything lol but go ahead

**Lyf:** Change of plan new question

 **Lyf:** You're suddenly using capital letters?

 **Lyf:** And writing words 9ut fully?

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** 9ut lmao

 **THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** Yeah I only do that to annoy Ivy

 **THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** She was on her high horse about grammar one time so I went fuck that and now it's a matter of pride

**Lyf:** Why am I not surprised...

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** Hey Lyf watch this lol

THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY _has added_ Hedera Alexandria _to the chat_

**Hedera Alexandria:** I can't see any previous messages but it's 83% likely you're doing this to cause problems, Ashes dearest.

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** nah lmao wuu2?

**Hedera Alexandria:** Reading, as if you didn't already know. I do hope you're not terrorising Lyfrassir too much.

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY:** nd y would u accuse me of such a thing ivy darling

**Hedera Alexandria:** Fascinating.

Hedera Alexandria _has removed_ THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY _from chat_

**Lyf:** You removed them from their own chat??

**Hedera Alexandria:** If past performance is any indicator, they'll be fuming for the next 4.6 days. It'll be hilarious.

 **Hedera Alexandria:** On an unrelated note, try and stay away from rooms with no sprinkler systems for the time being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter has (at time of writing this) about half the amount of words of the fic as a whole? In the words of Nastya: :3


	7. Pride..... in SPAAACE

**brain:** guys I have an announcement! :P

brain _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ pilot brian, or, prian

**pilot brian, or, prian:** everyone this is your pilot speaking. if you'd please look down to see our destination fast approaching ;)

 **pilot brian, or, prian:** t minus five hours ;))

**First Mate:** arent prian diseases what you get from eating human

**explosion timothy:** jonny stop acting like you're the only who's eaten human meat there's literally heavily implied cannibalism in my tragic backstory

 **explosion timothy:** you're not special 

**pilot brian, or, prian:** just look at the date and at the damn planet :^/

**First Mate:** wait is that...

**Toy Soldier:** It's Time!

THE SMOKIN' ASHES O REILLY _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** oh hell yh

**Lyf:** ...Shoukd I be concerned?

**pilot brian, or, prian:** shoukd XD

**explosion timothy:** shoukd

**Toy Soldier:** It's Space Pride! We Come Here Almost Every Year!

**H** **edera Alexandria:** Technically it's still on a planet. We just call it Space Pride because it sounds better than Pride On This Random Planet We Found That Time.

**explosion timothy:** space pride space pride space pride

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** If anyone even _thinks_ about getting the glitter out again - looking at you Jonny

**First Mate:** it wasnt even my fault, you bastards just wanted to decapitate someone

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** It took _weeks_ to clean my lab

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Consider this your first and only warning

**Nastya :3:** I will be getting Aurora another flag!

 **Nastya :3:** @doctorBaron Will you and Lyfrassir be attending as dms?

**doctorBaron:** Dm?

**explosion timothy:** dungeon masters

**First Mate:** no tim it means datemates

 **First Mate:** some of us arent NERDS

**Hedera Alexandria:** Well, according to the multiverse theory, there's a 64% probability of there being a universe where you make money creating tabletop games

**First Mate:** sure and maybe theres one where im an archivist like you

 **First Mate:** alas youre stuck with me

**doctorBaron:** Yes, Nastya, me and Lyf are going together

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** ur so sickeningly romantic lmao

**Lyf:** Hardly??

**doctorBaron:** Look can we stop analysing my private life and go get ready for Space Pride?

**Toy Soldier:** If You Insist

...

**pilot brian, or, prian:** t minus 1 hour until touchdown. if you want glitter, do it now. Raph won't have time to kill you >:D

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Oh you underestimate me

**First Mate:** my nails are drying if ANYONE fucks them up theyre getting stabbed

 **First Mate:** after theyve fully dried of course

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** uh there's a bunch of rainbow in the sink

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** it's my hair dye that I didn't clean properly not yog-sothoth dw lyf

**Lyf:** Oh thanks?

**Toy Soldier:** Yog-Sothoth Said Gay Rights!

**Lyf:** It most certainly did not! It destroyed everything I ever knew

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** And that's sad and all but who stole my lipstick?

**explosion timothy:** (jonny)

**First Mate:** tim as soon as pride is over im gonna hide your eyes

 **First Mate:** ill give it back calm down

**explosion timothy:** (@pilot brian, or, prian he stole your paint too)

**First Mate:** trick question i asked him first

**pilot brian, or, prian:** yeah, this time! >:/

**Toy Soldier:** Nastya Can I Wear Your Red Skirt? It Will Look Nice With My Captain's Jacket

**Nastya :3:** The Octokittens have claimed it for nest material but by all means :3

**First Mate:** shouldnt i have a captains jacket?? since i am one

**Toy Soldier:** Oh Jonny You're Such A Card!

...

**pilot brian, or, prian:** t minus 10 minutes! :^D

**explosion timothy:** space pride space pride space pride

**Hedera Alexandria:** I'm off to retrieve my nice waistcoat from the octokitten nest, @Toy Soldier did you still want the skirt?

**Toy Soldier:** Yes Please!

 **Toy Soldier:** I Would Go Myself But They Always Demand My Hat As Payment For Anything

**Lyf:** The octokittens can talk?

 **Lyf:** Nvm I don't need to know

 **Lyf:** Anyway who's playing the violin and could they kindly not do that

**doctorBaron:** Well someone stole my pride hat so it's not me

**Lyf:** No-one stole your pride hat it's here in my room

**Toy Soldier:** Is That His One With A Little Flag Instead Of A Spike?

**Lyf:** Yep!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** ok lovebirds break it up

**Nastya :3:** That was me playing the violin

 **Nastya :3:** Aurora asked me to. She likes to listen

 **Nastya :3:** Aurora also wants us all to meet on the bridge before we leave so she can take a photo! 0:3c

**explosion timothy:** alright lads let's go

 **explosion timothy:** obviously other genders are invited too

**The Aurora [BOT]:** IMG_230220.jpg 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** oh NICE

**pilot brian, or, prian:** we have landed and it's pride time! ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ please keep your murdering until after the event!  
  



	8. pride 2 electric boogaloo

**pride brian, or, prian:** GUYS I'VE LOST JONNY o_0

**explosion timothy:** brian! he'll be causing chaos and destruction as we speak you had one job

**pride brian, or, prian:** I know! It's all seeming too quiet D:

**Hedera Alexandria:** Is he with the Toy Soldier? There's only a 32% likelihood of them being together, but it's more probable than any other option.

 **Hedera Alexandria:** Actually, where is the Toy Soldier? I haven't seen it in approximately 65 minutes.

**pride brian, or, prian:** GUYS WE'VE LOST THE TOY SOLDIER 0_o

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** dw ts is in the parade

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** helping carry that fuckoff huge trans flag

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** lmao I can see it all the way up here 

**explosion timothy:** ok but also where are you

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** flyin lol

**Hedera Alexandria:** Please give Raphaella my love.

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** she said <3

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** idk how she said that w her mouth

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** btw this is ashes I dropped my phone rip

**Lyf:** ...yeah we just saw someone get knocked out by a falling device

**doctorBaron:** And Lyf's not letting me have a look at them even though I am a doctor

 **doctorBaron:** Yes it's a real degree! Ashes forged it specially

 **doctorBaron:** I don't care you're ""stood right next to me"" please don't disrespect all those years I spent in medical school

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** oh my godd u 2 r insufferable

**pride brian, or, prian:** don't worry everyone I've found Jonny! ':)

**explosion timothy:** trust me when i say that we weren't worried at all

**pride brian, or, prian:** there's not any fighting?

 **pride brian, or, prian:** it looks like he's telling stories? to children? :^|

**Lyf:** Yoire letting Jonny near children??

**explosion timothy:** yoire 

**Lyf:** Okay Tin that has literally never once been funny

explosion timothy _has changed his her their its name (delete as appropriate) name to_ gunpowder tin

**gunpowder tin:** hey it's space pride you legally can't be mean to me

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** yh jonny reads to kids sometimes

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** he's got a p good storytelling voice

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** noone dies most of the time

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** als;3k

**Lyf:** ???

 **Lyf:** Oh wait someone else got hit by a falling phone

 **Lyf:** Anyway we're off to the market to get pins anyone want anything?

**Hedera Alexandria:** There is an 80% probability that Ashes will want more pronoun pins. They have quite the collection now, not that they use any of them.

**gunpowder** **tin:** good evening ladies gentlemen lyf toy soldier and ashes we may need to cut our visit short

 **gunpowder tin:** there is a chance that I'm wanted by the police

**doctorBaron:** Well then go wait on the aurora, you're not dragging us down with you Timothy

**gunpowder** **tin:** not my fault that harmonica possession is illegal!

**Lyf:** You play the harmonica now??

**gunpowder tin:** I've got a mutually beneficial arrangement with jonny where I have his harmonica and he doesn't know I have said harmonica

 **gunpowder tin:** it's for his own good

**doctorBaron:** Some of us spent however long locked up on midgard. I'm sure you can deal with this yourself

**Nastya** **:3:** Aurora won't set off without me and I haven't finished yet. Besides, being on the run will be a learning experience! >:3

**gunpowder tin:** nastyaaa

**Toy Soldier:** The Parade Has Just Finished And The Police Already Asked Me To Help Them! We're Looking For Someone Suspected Of Harmonica Possession If Anyone Wants To Tag Along?

 **Toy Soldier:** It's Jolly Good Fun!

**gunpowder tin:** I hate everyone in this chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life has, unfortunately, Happened, so I don't have as much time to write now. It's still going to be updated, just less fast


	9. don't make me tap the sign!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The Missing posters quoted in this chapter do exist! Please go check them out they're incredible](https://mobile.twitter.com/MaglorleFay/status/1234123300298727429)

**Lyfrassir von Raum:** Is Brian ok??

 **Lyfrassir von Raum:** IVY we've talked about this 

Lyfrassir von Raum _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ Lyf

**Brian's being Boring again:** yup why? 8/

 **Brian's being Boring again:** :\

Brian's being Boring again _changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ brain

**Lyf:** I've found a missing poster with you on?

**First Mate:** HAH youve already used that name brian 

**brain:** I don't keep track because I'm not a sad little man >_>

 **brain:** what does it say? 

**First Mate:** im taller than you

**Lyf:** "copper adult male drumbot"

 **Lyf:** "loyal, gentle and much loved family drumbot"? Brian is drumbot actually a species?

 **Lyf:** "answers to most names including Insubordinate Piece of Brass"??

**gunpowder tin:** me and ivy made those specially in case any crew member went missing and we wanted them to come back

 **gunpowder tin:** i've not seen mine but she's not seen hers so all is fair in love and poster making

**First Mate:** brian got lost a bit ago actually

 **First Mate:** found him in a sun if youd believe it

**brain:** I wasn't lost! you left me there!

 **brain:** and no, Lyf, drumbot isn't a species, the others just think they're funny >:((

**First Mate:** its a 6 vs half dozen situation

 **First Mate:** were hilarious fuck you

**Lyf:** Okay but why is it pinned to a corkboard in this random corridor? 

**First Mate:** well we didnt want to be too eager and pin them up everywhere did we?

**brain:** 1000 years you left me in that star! <_<

**Lyf:** So is this your designated "someone got lost let's at least make an effort" notice board?

 **Lyf:** Because there's a bunch

**brain:** is there one for Jonny? >:) 

**Lyf:** Yes but I'd rather not die today 

**First Mate:** good choice

**brain:** @gunpowder tin go annoy Jonny we need him out the way :-)

**gunpowder tin:** one moment!

**First Mate:** tim dont you dare

 **First Mate:** sup fuckers it's tim being a legend as per usual

**Lyf:** "Please don't help us find Jonny d'Ville"

**First Mate:** me and ivy were very proud of that it took all our combined art skills

**Lyf:** "can be identified by his edgy name"

**First Mate:** THIS IS JONNY AND THIAJE

 **First Mate:** ok ok ok tim's back I put jonny in time out

**Lyf:** "don't contact us if you found him and somehow managed to survive"

 **Lyf:** That's no way to talk about your captain!

**First Mate:** first mate don't give him any ideas lyf

 **First Mate:** WAIT @Hedera Alexandria we need to make one for lyf now he's in the crew

**Hedera Alexandria:** Unfortunately, Raphaella confiscated 5/6 of our glitter glue supply after last time. She didn't find the final sixth but I doubt it will be enough.

**First Mate:** wow raph what a spoil sport

**brain:** I can occupy her whilst you steal it back! :P

**Hedera Alexandria:** Excellent. Tim, grab the glue and meet me in the kitchen in 15 minutes to do some art.

**gunpowder tin:** well paint me a happy little tree and call me bob ross it's art time

 **gunpowder tin:** (i threw jonny's phone into the incinerator)


	10. I am the music man, I come from outer space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🎵 I am the music man,  
> I come from outer space  
> And I can play  
> (what can you play?) 🎵

**Lyf:** It's 2am whoever's making that godsawful racket needs to stop

**Raphella has lost name change privileges:** @John it's 2am

**John:** raph youre a lifesaver

**Lyf:** Isn't your name Jonny??

**John:** well nastya was getting pissy after SOME PEOPLE kept throwing my phone into the incinerator,

 **John:** so her and ivy wont let me change my name

 **John:** because this crew is a nightmare and existence is hell

**Lyf:** Hah! I'm not the only one who makes typos!

**John:** lyf ive never once used "apostrophes" 

**John:** i have a brand to maintain

**Lyf:** No wait I'm on about spelling Hel with two ls

**John:** who the helL spells it like that

**Lyf:** The entire Yggdrasil system??

**Raphella has lost name change privileges:** Jonny I _know_ you're about to say something stupid so come help me put the Frankeninstrument back now we know the time

**John:** calm down raph, i make nice decisions sometimes

 **John:** you werent wrong, but still

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Of course I'm right now come give me a hand, this thing's almost 6 foot tall

**Lyf:** ...frankeninstrument

**John:** actually its Frankeninstrument

 **John:** the capital letter is important

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** No instruments were harmed in the making of the Frankeninstrument 

**John:** many instruments were harmed in the making of the Frankeninstrument 

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** No _innocent_ instruments were harmed in the making of the Frankeninstrument 

**Lyf:** Oh gods why are you people allowed to make music

**John:** raph remember the Deliberate Accidental Incident of 04

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Jonny don't bring up the Deliberate Accidental Incident of '04, we swore we'd _never_ mention it again

**Lyf:** Oh this is a can of worms I'm gonna regret opening

 **Lyf:** What's the deliberate accidental incident of 04?

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Capital letters 

**John:** the Deliberate Accidental Incident of 04 all started back when we wrote music... collaboratively lets say

**Lyf:** Please Don't feel the need to shift into full storytelling mode

**John:** fuck off i do what i want

 **John:** i dont recall, exactly, who started it

 **John:** we were discussing the album, as you do, then suddenly ts turned to see ivys sheet music was absolutely littered with accidentals

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Truly a horrific crime. E#s and C♭s as far as the eye could see

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Oh Lyf accidentals are when you've got sharps or flats just shoved wherever in the music. _Maybe_ they serve a purpose but _also_ they're ugly

**Lyf:** I know what accidentals are! I literally play the cello!

 **Lyf:** Oh no bad thig to say

**John:** dont worry mate well discuss this "thig" later

 **John:** anyway when the blame game starts who knows where itll go

 **John:** in this case it went very quickly to murder

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Also avoid the third floor corridor near engineering

**John:** thats got nothing to do with my story

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** Well if _someone_ had helped me put the Frankeninstrument away we wouldn't be in this situation

**John:** raph what have you done

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** _Everything is fine_

 **Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** @Toy Soldier you're never asleep, give us a hand?

**Toy Soldier:** Unfortunately Ashes Has Ordered Me To Stay Put And Make Them Popcorn As We - And I Quote - "watch this shitstorm go down lol"!

**John:** ASHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (so [tthis mechs fic exchange](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/mechs_fic_exchange) is a Thing that's happening and sign ups are open if you are interested)


	11. 12.03.200000000038 Meeting Minutes

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** alright ladies, gentlemen, and those of us who know better lol

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** as ur quartermaster it's my job to do a monthly team meeting and would u look at the time

**Toy Soldier:** Time Isn't Real!

**gunpowder tin:** bold of you to assume we've got any functioning genders round here ashes

**First Mate:** do you even know what a quartermaster does

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** glad 2 see we're all getting along

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** nyway 1st up I've been receiving reports of swearing nd u all need to know it's not appropriate

**gunpowder tin:** what the hell are you on about?

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** I said watch ur fucken tone

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** lmao 2nd @doctorBaron give ivy her book back

**doctorBaron:** You little snitch!

**Hedera Alexandria:** Thank you for that, Ashes. Marius if you don't hand it over there's an 89% chance you'll regret it.

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** ah I love bein quartermaster

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** finally I'm off ship 4 a bit so u all need 2 deal w/ the slavering moon beast ts let onboard

**Toy Soldier:** We're Very Good Friends! I'm Trying To Teach Her How To Play Fetch!

**First Mate:** ashes you bastard

 **First Mate:** come back here and face your problems!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** u can't make me lol

**doctorBaron:** Lock it in the brig

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** We've already _got_ a slavering moon beast locked in the brig

**chill brian:** that's no way to refer to Jonny [| : )

**First Mate:** youre getting locked in the brig in a minute

 **First Mate:** what the fuck is that face

**chill brian:** it's a hat! c:

**Toy Soldier:** The Moon Beast Is Making Friends With The Octokittens Now! I Think Her And Bertie The Octokitten Are Going To Be Best Friends

**doctorBaron:** Bertie the octokitten...?

**gunpowder tin:** ts you are under direct orders to not send any more messages to anyone until I talk to you in person

**chill brian:** :(( you're no fun

**Toy Soldier:** :)

**Nastya :3:** Is anyone going to deal with the moon beast or are we going to stand around making fun of Tim?

**doctorBaron:** Second one

**Toy Soldier:** :)

**Raphaella has lo** **st name change privileges:** Alright we've drawn straws and _Brian_ is the lucky one who has to go deal with this

**chill brian:** none of us are even in the same room! (；･`д･´)

**Nastya :3:** Do not argue with the straws, Brian

**Toy Soldier:** :)


	12. Fashion Crimes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before we begin, please take a look at [this](https://www.flickr.com/photos/elemg42/8618091769/in/album-72157633159797037/) picture of Marius and just.. bear it in mind

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** So then _I_ said I'd turn his eyes off if he tried it again

**Hedera Alexandria:** There's only a 12% chance of that working, however I admire your attitude.

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** _And_ all that came after he stole my best octokitten test subject

**gunpowder tin:** hey hey am I being gossiped about again

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** sup fine examples of god's mistakes

**Hedera Alexandria:** And the prodigal arsonist returns.

**gunpowder tin:** are you incapable of greeting us normally ever

 **gunpowder tin:** also i hope you're aware you completely abandoned us to the slavering moon beast we could have all died

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** eh

**Toy Soldier:** It's Locked In The Brig! I Go And Talk To It Sometimes

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0** look i bought clothes do u want to see or not 

**First Mate:** you abandoned us

 **First Mate:** TO GO SHOPPING

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** all ur fashion sense is terrible lol

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** not u raph. ur lovely nd we're thrilled to have u here

**doctorBaron:** Hey I think my fashion sense is pretty decent

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** LMAOOO

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** It is _the worst_ I've seen

**gunpowder tin:** get his ass

 **gunpowder tin:** @Lyf your boyfriend's getting bullied do you want to join in

**Lyf:** ..sorry Marius but those boot belts aren't good

**doctorBaron:** Lyf why must you betray me like this

 **doctorBaron:** I personally like them!

**First Mate:** they are BEIGE

 **First Mate:** you have BLACK boots

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** nd u wear a minimum of 5 belts at one time

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** pot kettle no?

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** u do have a point tho lol

doctorBaron _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ fashionCriminal

**fashionCriminal:** Ivy was there any need

 **fashionCriminal:** Besides, I've got the boot belts, the cool coat, and the kneepads

 **fashionCriminal:** I don't need your approval

**Raphaella has lost name change privileges:** What the _fuck_

**First Mate:** as captain i order you to show me them

**fashionCriminal:** At least take me to dinner first Jonny

Hedera Alexandria _has removed_ fashionCriminal _from chat_

**Hedera Alexandria:** I'm really sorry but I just couldn't take it anymore. 8.92 billion people on his planet and we had to have him.

**gunpowder tin:** it's ok ivy it's ok


	13. Andromeda Galaxy Comic Con

**Nastya :3:** Where is Brian?

**First Mate:** the navigators room place

**Hedera Alexandria:** The bridge?

**First Mate:** thats the fucker

**Nastya :3:** Well, he is not because I am on the bridge and there is no-one else here!

 **Nastya :3:** @brumdot brian where are you?

**brumdot brian:** at AGCC?

 **brumdot brian:** didn't I tell you all I was going weeks ago? |^:

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** hold up ur at agcc and didn't invite us?

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** f

**Hedera Alexandria:** It's a 50/50 split on whether you did tell us you were going to Andromeda Galaxy Comic Con or you're just bluffing by not actually telling a lie.

**gunpowder tin:** cannot believe I could be at agcc right now but no I'm stuck with the rest of you lot

**Nastya :3:** Brian are you on mje or ejm?

**brumdot brian:** yes

**Nastya :3:** Well if you're being like that I will just ask Aurora to steer us somewhere else :3

**brumdot brian:** no! :c

 **brumdot brian:** let me just speedrun artist's alley 8o

**armtechTechman:** wHERE ARE YOU GETTING THE MONEY FROM?

 **armtechTechman:** uHH GUYS? tHERE's SOMETHING UP WITH MY CAPS LOCK

**Nastya :3:** Marius I do not exaggerate when I say you deserve everything that's coming for you

**armtechTechman:** uNCALLED FOR

**brumdot brian:** I took some of Ashes' gold! :P

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** oh no u didnt u bastard

**First Mate:** boo hoo youve got plenty

 **First Mate:** i want to know why SOMEONE didnt take the rest of us

**brumdot brian:** last time you shot someone because they said your eye makeup was overdone! ಠ_ಠ

**First Mate:** and i stand by that action

**brumdot** **brian:** the time before that you entered me into a Data lookalike competition! >:0 without asking!

**First Mate:** and you LOST

 **First Mate:** despite LITERALLY being a robot

**gunpowder tin:** hey can you get me some more cogs?

 **gunpowder tin:** I got a new gun and i need to glue them on it so it fits the aesthetic

**brumdot brian:** fine (◔_◔)

 **brumdot brian:** any other requests? :///

 **brumot brian:** Jonny stop typing the answer's no

**armtechTechman:** a NEW KEYBOARD, pERHAPS?

**brumdot brian:** ha no XP  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologise for the creation of Tavros von Raum but, if anything, he's actually a blessing


	14. 8 legs in the morning, 8 legs in the day, 8 legs in the evening, these creatures just won't go away

**Raphaella:** I need lab assistants, who's not busy?

**Nastya :3:** Ivy let you change your name back?

**Raphaella:** I got her a signed first edition of a book she wanted, so now I'm "" _on probation_ ""

**Nastya :3:** Raph I can hear the smugness in your voice from here

**Raphaella:** And _thank you_ , Nastya, for volunteering to be assistant #1

 **Raphaella:** Who else?

**Nastya :3:** I will ask Aurora to turn the heating off in your lab specifically

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** can't lol. jonny's nails aren't dry

**Raphaella:** Those statements are related how?

 **Raphaella:** _Nastya_ you wouldn't dare

 **Raphaella:** @gunpowder tin @baronDoctor @not!brian

**gunpowder tin:** I'm feeding the octokittens so no can do my friend

**Raphaella:** Give us an octokitten then

**gunpowder tin:** NO!!!!!

**Nastya :3:** Now look what you've done

 **Nastya :3:** You have made him use five exclamation marks 

**Raphaella:** Tim you must have _hundreds_

**gunpowder tin:** you stay away from mia and nigel and window

**Raphaella:** _Tim_

**gunpowder tin:** and vincent and cardboard

**Raphaella:** Timothy

**gunpowder tin:** and better marius

**Raphaella:** Timathan 

**gunpowder tin:** and leggy

**Raphaella:** Timbo

**gunpowder tin:** and especially stay away from bertie (i won't hesitate bitch) and stay away from chad

**Raphaella:** Timderella

**gunpowder tin:** and fromage 

**First Mate:** alright my nails are dry, you all get my presence once again

 **First Mate:** what the unmitigated fuck is going on here

**gunpowder tin:** and earl michael fitzwilliam iii

**Raphaella:** Tim is being _selfish_

 **Raphaella:** And @THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0 you've got no excuse now

**gunpowder tin:** and eyeball

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** yh that's fair lol

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** coming lmao

**gunpowder tin:** and eyeball's child eyesmall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Nigel is my octokitten and I love them](https://regicidal-defenestration.tumblr.com/post/613857369250725888/this-is-nigel-and-i-just-think-theyre-neat)


	15. Tax Purposes?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has permanent minor character death, done for comedic purposes and all, but yeah it's there

**baronDoctor:** There's a government ship hailing us

 **baronDoctor:** The Aurora is letting it dock

 **baronDoctor:** Airlock cycle has been initiated

**nice brian:** are you having fun, narrating everything that's going on? /:

**baronDoctor:** Very much so

**gunpowder tin:** ok right no brian a) you've used that name already and b) you're not even nice! you're the only person who calls yourself that and i know we let you get away with it last time but you're always just as much of a bastard just coming from a different direction

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** u ok there tim?

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** u wanna talk abt ur feelings?

**gunpowder tin** I'm good it's out my system now

**Toy Soldier:** I Do!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** we know, ts

**Toy Soldier:** I'm Just Happy To Be Involved!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** we know, ts

**nice brian:** why do none of you want me to repeat a chat handle? :V

**The Aurora [BOT]:** Airlock 5b disengaged. Boarder designation "Tax collector"

**baronDoctor:** Why would you let the tax collector onboard

**nice brian:** taxes can form a key part in upholding the existing infrastructure of a community as well as providing funds for new such items! :D

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0** u were a rusty wall hanging the sheriff listened to, not a damn economist

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** shut up lol

**Toy Soldier:** Ashes You Have Lots Of Gold Lying About! Why Not Go And Pay Them?

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** wtf no. they can't have my gold

**Toy Soldier:** You Said It Was For Tax Purposes!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** i have never paid taxes nd resent the implication 

**nice brian:** why did you say that then?? [|:0

**baronDoctor:** Aurora the tax collector is still here

**gunpowder tin:** in space no-one can hear you suffer MARIUS

**baronDoctor:** Wow quote my words right back at me, why don't you

 **baronDoctor:** For context, you were being the biggest drama queen this side of Betelguese and I was merely making a justified complaint

**gunpowder tin:** excuse you we all know who the biggest drama queen here is and it's not me is it JONNY?

 **gunpowder** **tin:** (he isn't even online can't believe he's missed this quality joke)

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** shut tf up lmao

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** tim i need access to ur armoury

**gunpowder tin:** ask nicely and maybe i will

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** gunpow d'tim ur one of my dearest friends nd i respect u greatly. would it be too much of a bother to ask 4 u to let me in to ur armoury?

gunpowder tin _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ gunpow d'tim

**gunpow d'tim:** why of course

 **gunpow d'tim:** what did you want from it?

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** the coin gun lol

**Toy Soldier:** What Is The Coin Gun?

**gunpow d'tim:** this is the first time it's been used I'm so excited

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** coin gun does what it says on the tin lol

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** fires gold at ppl. specially tax collectors cause it's ironic lmao

**Toy Soldier:** Oh That's What You Meant! I Must Say, It's A Jolly Good Joke!

**nice brian:** i haven't backread why is ashes shooting at me and that polite tax collector? ಠ_ಠ

**Toy Soldier:** Ashes Is Having A Lark!

**The Aurora [BOT]:** Airlock 3a disengaged. Disembarker designation "Tax collector (former)"

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY 2.0:** ha twat


	16. My Name Is No-one [BAD LIP READING]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to everyone in the Stowaways discord who put the shared brain cell to good use coming up with most of these names

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** Ok I've been listening to some of your music and Ulysses met a unicorn? Since when?

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** ..Ivy please let me change my name back

**Ivy d'Alexandria:** Not yet - a plan's in progress. 

**gunpow d'tim:** no they didn't unicorns don't exist

**Raphaella d'cognizi:** They didn't but unicorns _do_ exist

**ASHES d'O d'REILLY:** where tf r u raph?

**Raphaella d'cognizi:** Doing science planet-side

**Raphaella d'cognizi:** And I'm _literally_ looking at a unicorn right now

**gunpow d'tim:** how do you know it's not a convincing replica made specifically to mess with your experiments in retaliation for a slight you made against the creator of said replica

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** ...that's a very specific statement

**D'Toy Soldier:** Don't Worry! The Unicorn Is Very Real!

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** That is Also far too specific

**ASHES d'O d'REILLY:** k but y did u think ulysses saw a unicorn?

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** Because that's what the lyrics say? One sec

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** "Got a false ID, from a forging drunk"

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** "Spent a hundred twenty credits on a unicorn"

**d'rumbot brian:** XD

**D'Toy Soldier:** Oh No Lyf!

**Raphaella d'cognizi:** They spent the money on a _uniform_

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** Oh I am filled with regrets

**Lyfrassir d'Edda:** Quick topic change what's up with the names?

**Nastya d'Rasputina :3:** It is too late I have already screenshotted this chat :3

**Nastya d'Rasputina :3:** And it is because everyone in this crew is a disappointment and a menace to society

**d'Aurora [D'BOT]:** Affirmative.

**Nastya d'Rasputina :3:** <3

**ASHES d'O d'REILLY:** cool it lol

**d'rumbot brian:** nastya └[∵┌] you └[ ∵ ]┘ hypocrite! [┐∵]┘

**Nastya d'Rasputina :3:** I am not a menace to society!

**Nastya d'Rasputina :3:** You should all be honoured to even be on Aurora!

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** right whats all this then

**d'rumbot brian:** everything is perfectly normal! :o)

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ d'rumbot brian _from chat_

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** actually

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ gunpow d'tim _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ ASHES d'O d'REILLY _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ Nastya d'Rasputina :3 _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ Lyfrassir d'Edda _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ Raphaella d'cognizi _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ D'Toy Soldier _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ Ivy d'Alexandria _from chat_

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ d'Aurora [D'BOT] _from chat_

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** bastards

**d'marius d'Von D'Raum:** Honestly they're so annoying sometimes

Jonny d'd'Ville _has removed_ d'marius d'Von D'Raum _from chat_

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** no


	17. forbidden jonny lore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've lost the the photos of Brian's boots that get brought up here - just know that whilst they look _very_ aesthetic they're probably incredibly impractical

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** ah, peace at last

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** none of those fuckers around to get in my way

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** can finally get the damn crossword done

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** "22 across english county known for its cider and cheddar cheese" hm

**Toy Soldier:** It's Somerset!

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** dont be ridiculous

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** england doesnt exist

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HRFE

**Toy Soldier:** Hrfe!

 **Toy Soldier:** Only Joking Jonny! I Just Like Getting Involved In These Things!

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE

**Toy Soldier:** It's Almost Like You Don't Want To Get Invited To the d'gang! 

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** hold up, you fuckers made another groupchat without me

 **Jonny d'd'Ville:** god youre really dragging this joke out as far as itll go

**Toy Soldier:** Maybe If You Stopped Calling Us fuckers We'd Let You In!

**Jonny d'd'Ville:** my sincerest apologies. wilt thou prithee forgivest mine trespasses

**Toy Soldier:** Ah, That's Jolly Kind Of You!  
  


* * *

_Chat name:_ the d'gang

Toy Soldier _has added_ First Mate! _to chat_

**drumbrian bot:** at least mine look cool! and are colour coordinated! (；･`д･´)

**MvR:** The buckles get caught on everything, the laces are purely decorative, and the zips mean each boot has no less than three types of fastenings

**drumbrian bot:** i see you're saying nothing about the colour >:-)

**First Mate!:** oh are we being mean to marius about his fashion sense again

**MvR:** Actually we started off making fun of brian but okay

 **MvR:** Why is Jonny back?

**First** **Mate!:** why are you trying to be all serious with that name

**Toy Soldier:** See? Isn't This Chat More Fun When All Our Friends Are Here?

**First Mate!:** im not having fun

**Toy Soldier:** Not With That Attitude You're Not!

**First Mate!:** first chance in 243 years to do the crossword in peace

 **First** **Mate** **!:** and YES ive been keeping track

**drumbrian bot:** Jonny you do crosswords? x_x

First Mate! _has_ _changed_ _his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ Grandpa

**Hedera** **Alexandria:** I'll be sure to update my lore file.

**Grandpa:** YOU WERENT EVEN PART OF THIS CONVERSATION

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As an English person, I can confirm that England doesn't actually exist


	18. It's like the Cookery Channel but worse

**Raph (head chef):** Ladies and gentlemen, tax evaders and embezzlers, it is my _pleasure_ to introduce another round of the Great Space Cook Off!

 **Raph (head chef):** Renamed due to copyright reasons and _some people_ being pedantic little shits because ""space isn't British""

**gunpow d'tim:** no thank you last time someone cooked for me it was the toy soldier and i didn't appreciate it

**MvR:** Wow Tim, that's just rude

**Raph (head chef):** Actually I have Kraken in my lab so you'd better be in the kitchen soon 

**gunpow d'tim:** ok so I trusted you and this is how you repay me? if you even lay a finger on them i won't hesitate to eat all your notebooks

**Raph (head chef):** Unorthodox display of hubris but very well

 **Raph (head chef):** First up you're all making _scones_!

**brian (shoulder chef):** you're saying it wrong! :3

**Raph (head chef):** We are communicating over _text_ , you can't hear _anything_

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** also brian ur the 1 saying it wrong lol

**MvR:** Haven't we argued about this enough already?

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** salty bcos ur wrong too are we marius?

**brian (shoulder chef):** (┛ಠ_ಠ)┛彡┻━┻

 **brian (shoulder chef):** marius you're the only one here I respect D:<

**captainGoddammit:** EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LET ME USE THE BRAINCELL IM TRYING TO COOK OVER HERE

**Nastya :3:** Stop shouting some of us have better things to do than listen to your rants

**Hedera Alexandria:** Honestly, everyone should show you more respect, as our first mate.

**captainGoddammit:** IVY CAN YOU HEAR THAT? ITS THE SOUND OF THE THIN ICE CRACKING BENEATH YOUR FEET

**Hedera Alexandria:** There is a 69% chance you're only angry because you pronounce scone wrong too.

captainGoddammit _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ First. Mate.

**Raph (head chef):** Ivy I love you but you say it schön - the _least valid_ way of anyone here

**gunpow d'tim:** ok fine i'm at the kitchen now rest assured I will do everything in my power to make you regret stealing kraken

...

**Raph (head chef):** Attention crewmembers I respect and also Tim, you're _halfway through_

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** brian's scones r on fire lmao

**brian (shoulder chef):** ┻━┻彡 \ (ಠ_ಠ \ )

 **brian (shoulder chef):** you set them on fire! X(

**Raph (head chef):** _You put those tables back Brian or so help me_

**brian (shoulder chef):** ┬─┬ノ( º _ ºノ)

**gunpow d'tim:** jonny what the hell why do yours actually look nice

**First. Mate.:** because im better than all of you

**Nastya :3:** It is because he is using my recipe :33

**First. Mate.:** its because im using nastyas recipe

**brian (shoulder chef):** I thought you said I was using your recipe nastya?? mine looked inedible even before ashes burnt them :-(

**Nastya :3:** Why would I give a working recipe to the person who stole my :3 face? Only I am allowed to use that face. Anyone else who tries to use it deserves what is coming to them

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** f lol

**brian (shoulder chef):** what are you on about??

**Nastya :3:** I have a long memory Brian and I hold grudges. I will not be forgetting this soon

**gunpow d'tim:** nastya do you want me to deal with him?

**brian (shoulder chef):** I'm the pilot! you need me! >_<

**gunpow d'tim:** nice try i've got better brian the octokitten trained and ready to take your place

**MvR:** You have Better Marius and Better Brian?? We're not that bad

**gunpow d'tim:** I have a better everyone

 **gunpow d'tim:** except me i'm clearly the better tim

**Raph (head chef):** 5 minutes left!

**brian (shoulder chef):** at least Raph is trying to keep us on track

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** don't change the topic brian. ur in danger nd u know it lol

**Toy Soldier (Toe Chef):** It Looks Like You've Had Jolly Good Fun Whilst I Haven't Been Active! See, My Scones Needed To Include Your Five A Day, And I Had To Search The Whole Ship To Find Ingredients!

**ASHES (KNEE CHEF):** u know 5 a day refers to fruit nd veg lmao?

**Toy Soldier (Toe Chef):** I Did Not!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a correct way to say scone and I will die on this hill. _However_ , I'm not going to be the one to start that fight


	19. For he's a jolly (?) good (?) fellow

**First Mate:** nastyas off ship right?

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** yh she's birthday shopping w/ marius

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** y lol?

**gunpow d'tim:** what the hell it was marius' birthday last week that's just greedy

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** u once had 2 celebrations on the same day bcaus we "didn't appreciate the 1st one enough" lmao 

**First Mate:** i wanted to check before asking something

**Drumothy Botholomew Brian VII:** oh? (O)__(O)

**First Mate:** ok thots on aurora?

**Drumothy Botholomew Brian VI:** the Aurora has thots now? 「(°ヘ°)

**gunpow d'tim:** crawling all over her like weevils

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** think that's just us lol  
  
 **THE** **FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** @The Aurora [BOT] u reading this? lmao

**First Mate:** you SNITCH

**The Aurora [BOT]:** Fucking first mate detected. @Nastya :3 alerted.

**First Mate:** it wasnt even completely my fault

**Drumothy Botholomew Brian V:** well, the rest of us are innocent ;)

**gunpow d'tim:** yeah jonny the rest of us are being perfectly civil 

**First Mate:** nastya i wish to inform the court i have done NOTHING wrong 

**Nastya :3:** That is a lie and you know it

 **Nastya :3:** If you have not stopped being mean to Aurora when we get back then we will have an issue

**gunpow d'tim:** when will you learn your actions have consequences jonny

**Nastya :3:** This warning applies to all of you

**Drumothy Botholomew Brian IV:** DD:

**the Birthday Raum:** Nastya stop staring at your phone

 **the Birthday Raum:** I'm literally right here

**gunpow d'tim:** @Hedera Alexandria please change marius' name he doesn't deserve it

gunpow d'tim _has changed his her their its name (delete as appropriate) name to_ No.

**No.:** ok wow uncalled for

**the Birthday Raum:** It's my birthday, today is the one day I get rights

**Drumotht Botholomew Brian III:** petition to remove Marius' rights? （⌒▽⌒）

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** can't remove what u don't have lmao

**Nastya :3:** ""Marius stop staring at your phone. I am literally right here""

**the Birthday Raum:** Ok fine but watch it you lot

**No.:** eh nastya's already threatened us today already

**Nastya :3:** I have threatened them all already!

**Toy Soldier:** Oh, Is It Marius' Birthday? I'll Make Him A Cake!

**First Mate:** NO

**the Birthday Raum:** Please don't 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** do it lol

**No.:** nope no nope

**Drumothy Botholomew Brian II:** TS, what happened last time you made a cake for Jonny? :/

**Toy Soldier:** I Put Lava In The Middle! He Always Said He Wanted To See What It Tasted Like!

**No.:** and what about the time with ivy and the time before that with me?

**Toy Soldier:** I Used Wood Shavings In The Dough Because Ivy Likes Books, And Books Are Made Of Wood, More Or Less!

 **Toy Soldier:** And What Do You Mean Tim? I've Never Made You A Cake!

**No.:** exactly!!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** whts the problem here?

 **THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** perfect reasons 2 let ts bake a cake lol

**Toy Soldier:** Thank You Ashes! When You Decide It's Your Birthday, I Will Set A Cake On Fire Specially!

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** fuck yeah  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The "thots on Aurora" I first saw in [this](https://uquiz.com/quiz/h2QMpL/which-mechanisms-character-are-you) quiz, which is an Experience unto itself


	20. Solidarity!

**gunpowder him:** yeah but this is just theorising could we actually do it??

**Raphaella:** We can _absolutely_ do it

**MvR:** Legally we've got no leg to stand on

**gunpowder him:** you won't have a leg to stand on in a minute

 **gunpowder him:** there must be some laws out there we can deliberately misinterpret

**Hedera Alexandria:** We're in space, which comes under either interplanetary or international law, depending on where we are. 

**gunpowder him:** but there are still laws to be misinterpreted is what i'm hearing

**MvR:** No specific labour laws though

**gunpowder him:** god you're all such killjoys let me unionise in peace who's going to stop us anyway

**First Mate:** howdy

**gunpowder him:** should have seen that coming

**First Mate:** now whats all this then

**Toy Soldier:** Nothing You Need To Worry About!

**First Mate:** i dont like this

**brian!:** we're unionising! :D

**gunpowder him:** jonny do we count as civil servants

**First Mate:** fuck off ive never been civil in my life

 **First Mate:** hold up WHAT

**gunpowder him:** well the thing is there's nothing stopping us

**MvR:** Excluding Jonny, naturally, there are literally only 8 of us

 **MvR:** That's not enough for a union to have any sort of effect

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** imagine being such a capitalist lmfao

**MvR:** You take that back!

**First Mate:** why are we unionising?

**Raphaella:** Oh no, _you're_ the reason we're doing this

**Toy Soldier:** You Don't Pay Us Enough To Deal With You!

**First Mate:** i dont pay you

**brian!:** that's why we're unionising, Jonny XD

**First Mate:** do any of you even know what a union does?

 **First Mate:** ivy stop typing

**gunpowder him:** it means you have to listen to us when we say things!

**MvR:** Bold of you to think he'll ever listen to you

**THE** **FLAMIN'** **ASHES O REILLY:** ha get rekt

**brian!:** :/ we're getting off track

**MvR:** Surprised it took us this long, to be fair

**First Mate:** @Nastya :3 come back me up

**gunpowder him:** hey no don't drag nastya into this she'll just take your side

**brian!:** she might not? (ง ื▿ ื)ว

**Hedera Alexandria:** It is almost 73% likely she will take Jonny's side purely out of spite.

**brian!:** Nastya... :((

**Raphaella:** But if we say how it'll make Jonny even _more_ insufferable than he is already?

**THE** **FLAMIN'** **ASHES O REILLY:** she'll backread nd tell us all 2 fuck off

**First Mate:** @Nastya :3 what if i asked nicely

**Nastya :3:** Ok stop @ ing me, I am here. What do you want me to do?

**Toy Soldier:** Oh Hello Nastya! We're Having A Jolly Good Time Here! We're Playing At Being Functional Members Of Society!

**Nastya :3:** Why are you all like this  
  
  
  
  



	21. A Friendship of Brians

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A friendship: the collective noun for a group of drumbots

**Drumbot:** Jonny you bastard now listen here

 **Drumbot:** Else I swear your end'll be near

 **Drumbot:** Now shut the hell up, lend me your ears

 **Drumbot:** Cause I've got something to say

**First Mate:** youre not stealing my ears

**Drumbot:** Not my point but ok

**First Mate:** WAIT

 **First Mate:** youre not brian!

**Drumbot:** Yes I am?

**First Mate:** the REAL brian would never go so long without a smiley

**OracleBot** **Brian:** I _said_ he'd be onto us

**Drumbot:** Shut up Raph

**uh brian?:** wow rude

 **uh brian?:** that's brian lol

**First Mate:** ashes, raph, marius, quit it

**OracleBot Brian:** What the _fuck_

**uh brian?:** tf

 **uh brian?:** how the hell did u know

**Hangéd Man:** I did say there was a 70% chance of him catching on.

 **Hangéd Man:** Anyway Jonny, join us. We need everyone involved for this to work.

First Mate _has changed his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ captain brian

**captain brain:** lets go

**Smilebot!:** This Is Jolly Good Fun Isn't It? Now We Just Need Tim To Get Involved!

**brian uwu:** @gunpowder him We are causing problems come and join us >:3

**captain brian:** @gunpowder him

**gunpowder him:** ok ok i'm here why are there so many brians all of a sudden?

**Smilebot!:** We're Causing Problems For - To Quote Ashes - "shits and giggles lol"

**gunpowder him:** ok let me be frank

gunpowder him _has changed his her their its name (delete as appropriate) name to_ frank

**frank:** this is a terrible idea

**Drumbot:** God Tim, where's your sense of chaos

**Hangéd Man:** You have 1.2 minutes to choose a name, or I'll change it for you.

frank _has changes his her their its (delete as appropriate) name to_ brian (being bullied)

**brian (being bullied):** happy?

**Hangéd Man:** Very much so.

**brian uwu:** Now all we need is the original Brian

**OracleBot Brian:** There's _no_ _way_ we'll guess whatever the hell his name is

**uh brian?:** @brianbot

**captain brian:** did you just know that

**uh brian?:** yh lol

**brianbot:** someone wanted me? ^_^

**Smilebot!:** Oh, Hello Brian!

**brian (being bullied):** I would like to say none of this is my fault don't blame me

**uh brian?:** lmao ur funny when ur angry 

**brianbot:** what's are you all doing? :|

**captain brian:** theres no you anymore

 **captain brian:** theres only brian


	22. Tim Goes Crazy but instead it's Tim Can't Get A Goddamned Break

_7:37, 32nd October 238_

  
  


**timpowder gun:** i'm bored

 **timpowder gun:** i'm bored

 **timpowder gun:** i'm bored

  
  


**Raphaella:** If you say i'm bored _one_ more time I won't give back your octokitten

  
  


**timpowder gun:** excuse me raphaella since when did you kidnap my octokittens again??

  
  


**Raphaella:** I didn't 

**Raphaella:** _Ze_ decided to hitch a ride on _my_ wings

  
  


**timpowder gun:** stay still don't move

  
  
  
  


_11:15, 32nd October 238_

  
  


**timpowder gun:** i'm bored

  
  


**Raphaella:** _Tim_

  
  


**timpowder gun:** what about it i've got human tim back you can't hurt me

  
  


**Raphaella:** Human Tim?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** correct 

  
  


**Raphaella:** Human Tim the octokitten?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** i'm not sure which bit you're finding so hard to understand

  
  


**Raphaella:** Aren't _you_ Human Tim?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** no?

  
  
  


_16:01, 32nd October 238_

  
  


**timpowder gun:** i'm bored 

  
  


R **aphaella** : Shut _up_

 **Raphaella:** Tim I see you still typing

  
  


**timpowder gun:** but i’m bored!

  
  


**Raphaella:** I _really_ couldn’t care less at this very moment

 **Raphaella:** I’m _trying_ to do science

  
  


**timpowder gun:** turn your notifications off then

  
  


**Raphaella:** But if I did that, who would relentlessly make fun of you?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** fair point

 **timpowder gun:** also octokittim says stop being so mean

  
  


**Raphaella:** Octokittens can’t talk except to the Toy Soldier

 **Raphaella:** Actually - _Octokitten Tim_?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** no that’s a different one god you act like they all look the same

  
**Raphaella:** Not my point

 **Raphaella:** Ok Tim, clear something up for me:

 **Raphaella:** You’ve got Human Tim, Octokitten Tim, _and_ Octokittim?

  
  


**timpowder gun:** yes again what’s so difficult to get about this

  
  


**Raphaella:** _Why_

  
  


**timpowder gun:** because i love them also i was bored

  
  


**Smilebot!:** Only Boring People Are Bored!

**timpowder gun:** uncalled for

**Smilebot!:** I Was Only Stating A Fun Fact. . .

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another fun fact: Octokittim is _[this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24026374/chapters/57807442)_ Octokittim! It's had a very eventful life


	23. A series of communications between Nastya and various other Mechanisms

_New private conversation with_ Frist Mat

**Nastya :3:** Would you still love me if I was a worm?

**Frist Mat:** i dont love you NOW

**Nastya :3:** Jonny we are basically siblings. Answer my question

**Frist Mat:** cain instinct

**Nastya :3:** That is not an answer

**Frist Mat:** ok FINE

 **Frist Mat:** my feelings to you would remain unchanged if you were a worm

 **Frist Mat:** good enough?

**Nastya :3:** Thank you :33  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ Hedera Alexandria

**Nastya :3:** Would you love me if I was a worm?

**Hedera Alexandria:** In the 0.062% chance of you turning into a worm: yes, I would still love you

**Nastya :3:** I do not like that there is a non-zero chance of me turning into a worm

**Hedera Alexandria:** Don't worry about it.  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ MvR

**Nastya :3:** *Would you love me if I was a worm?

**MvR:** ...is there something you want to talk to me about?

**Nastya :3:** The question I just asked, yes

**MvR:** Ok but you see why I would be concerned about you asking that without context?

**Nastya :3:** No?

 **Nastya :3:** You are avoiding my question 

**MvR:** I would care about you regardless of what form you're in

 **MvR:** Is there a reason you're asking?

**Nastya :3:** There is not!  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ Raphaella

**Nastya :3:** Would you love me even if I was a worm?

**Raphaella:** Would I be able to experiment on worm Nastya?

**Nastya :3:** Would you promise not to kill me too much?

**Raphaella:** Yeah

**Nastya :3:** Then yes, you can experiment on worm me

**Raphaella:** Nastya you're the _best_

 **Rapahella:** Why a _worm_ though?

**Nastya :3:** I thought it would be funny  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ timpowder gun

**Nastya :3:** Would you love me if I was a worm?

**timpowder gun:** No

**Nastya :3:** I am waiting for further elaboration?

**timpowder gun:** I would let wormstya wriggle free in a nice garden but i wouldn't love her it's a bit weird to love a worm

**Nastya :3:** I did not mean would you have an entire romantic relationship with me! I have a girlfriend 

**timpowder gun:** even so  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ Smilebot!

**Nastya :3:** You are aware you do not need to keep the name Smilebot! now?

**Smilebot!:** I Like It!

**Nastya :3:** That is understandable

 **Nastya :3:** Would you still love me if I was a worm?

**Smilebot!:** Why Are You Turning Into A Worm?

**Nastya :3:** It is hypothetical

**Smilebot!:** Well Then, Yes! Would I Be Able To Join You?

**Nastya :3:** Of course

**Smilebot!:** Jolly Good Old Chap! I've Always Wanted To Try Being A Worm With My Friends!  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ nairB

**Nastya :3:** Would you love me if I was a worm?

**nairB:** :?

**Nastya :3:** It is not a difficult question Brian

**nairB:** what sort of worm? |ω・)

**Nastya :3:** Does that effect your answer?

**nairB:** well, you could be a garden worm, or a worm on string, or an octoworm, or a void worm, or a paradox worm! :-D

** **Nastya :3:** ** I am fairly sure that some of those are just made up  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ The Aurora [BOT]

**Nastya :3:** Aurora my love?

**The Aurora [BOT]:** Receiving input, crewmember designation "Nastya <3"

**Nastya :3:** Would you love me even if I was a worm?

**The Aurora [BOT]:** Processing input

 **The Aurora [BOT]:** I love you, Nastya. I will love you no matter what form I find you in, and no matter what form I find myself in.

I will love you when you're a worm, even though worms are so small and I am so large. I will love you if you stay a worm forever, and I will love you if being a worm is only a phase, and I will love you if your wormness comes and goes in cycles.

I love you as worms love the rain, as rain loves to fall, and as fall loves to turn to winter, even though that's the American way of saying it (and neither of us are American), because I love you beyond the constraints of language itself.

I will love you if Tim treads on you, or if Raphaella experiments on you, or if Ivy squashes you with a book, although I won't be pleased with any of them and may "accidently" flush them out the airlock.

In short, Nastya, my love is not a conditional thing. It doesn't change like the moon, or the tides, or the length of a worm as it grows. Every version of me loves, and has loved, and will love, every version of you 

**Nastya :3:** Thank you, dear heart. I love you too <3  
  


* * *

  
  


_New private conversation with_ THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY

**Nastya :3:** Would you still love me if I was a worm?

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** sure lol

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @ everyone yearning in the comments:  
> The worm speech was inspired by [this](https://gatheringbooks.org/2011/02/14/a-loveletter-to-end-all-loveletters-lemony-snickets-the-beatrice-letters/), by Lemony Snickett  
> It's a Large chunk of text, but I copy pasted it, and added line breaks, and sometimes I read it and Yearn


	24. Games night!!

**Frist Mat:** someone play murder air hockey with me

**MvR:** What is it?

**Frist Mat:** there are literally TWO words in the name

 **Frist Mat:** walk me through them and see if you get your answer

**MvR:** Try again

**Frist Mat:** there are literally THREE words in the name

**MvR:** I know what murder and air hockey are!

 **MvR:** Doesn't mean you can make a game by smushing them together!

**Frist Mat:** hey dont be rude

 **Frist Mat:** it takes after great games such as knife monopoly and gun karaoke

**MvR:** Yeah you're just making these up

**Frist Mat:** @timpowder gun come back me up

**timpowder gun:** Marius I trusted you I can't believe you'd disrespect murder air hockey like this

**MvR:** You're both just saying words at me!

**timpowder gun:** Jonny does this mean marius hasn't played harpoon chess either

**Frist Mat:** you know

 **Frist Mat:** i dont think he has

**MvR:** No need to talk about me in third person

**Frist Mat:** poor bugger

**maracabot brian:** what about hammer twister? :V 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** me nd jonny play shiv poker lol

**Frist Mat:** fuck yeah LOVE shiv poker!

**MvR:** What the hell!

**Toy Soldier!:** I Enjoy Machete Dominoes! It's Not As Fun As Harpoon Chess Though!

**Hedera Alexandria:** I wouldn't play any of these games with anyone here because there's a 99.875% chance of you cheating.

**Frist Mat:** dont lie ivy  
 **Frist Mat:** ive SEEN you play halberd jenga

**Hedera Alexandria:** I wasn't playing. I was attacking you with the halberd after you tried to play encyclopaedia Jenga.

**Raphaella:** _Also_ Marius have you heard of tree scrabble?

**Toy Soldier!:** I Thought It Was Whip Sword Scrabble?

**Raphaella:** It _was_ Whip Sword Scrabble

 **Raphaella:** I upped the ante

MvR _has removed_ MvR _from chat_  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	25. the curse of having a robot brain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains images, all of which _should_ hopefully have alt text

**Hedera Alexandria:** You're being immature, callow, juvenile, and - for someone who claims to be Captain and, thus, the pinnacle of good role models - incredibly unreasonable.

**Frist Mat:** i dont know what half those words mean

**Hedera Alexandria:** You're incorrigable!

**Frist Mat:**

**Hedera Alexandria:** Jonny you know I can't read sCAPTCHAs.

**Frist Mat:** sounds like a you problem

 **Frist Mat:**

**Hedera Alexandria:** Jonny you're not funny.

**Frist Mat:**

**Hedera Alexandria:** Again, you're not funny. I don't even mean in the "this joke didn't work" sense - there is a 62% chance at least one other crewmember finds this amusing. I mean I can't even read those words.

**Frist Mat:** trust me im hilarious

 **Frist Mat:**

**Hedera Alexandria:** Why can't you just apologise?

**Frist Mat:**

**Hedera Alexandria:** Once again, I can't read that. Anyway, do I need to get Brian involved like last time?

**Frist Mat:** WAIT FUCK NO

 **Frist Mat:** HELL THROW MY HARMONICAS INTO A VAT OF ACID AGAIN

**Hedera Alexandria:** That's not a proper apology!

**Frist Mat:** ok FINE

 **Frist Mat:** im sorry for editing the wikipedia page for peanut butter to say it was a type of rock 

**Hedera Alexandria:** There, that wasn't so difficult, was it?


	26. Disney's going to sue me for this I can feel it anyway down with the mouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bet you all thought you'd seen the last of me!

**First Mate:** ok listen up yall because i have a VERY important announcement to make

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** did marius get eaten by octokittens again lol

**MvR:** Not this time!

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** shame lmao

**MvR:** Now that's just rude

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** i think it's justified

**MvR:** Hey First mate d'Ville I'm being bullied over here

First Mate _has removed_ MvR _from chat!_

**First Mate:** wanker

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** twat

**First Mate:** now ashes

 **First Mate:** wheres my harmonica?

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** ur what

**First Mate:** where

 **First Mate:** is

 **First Mate:** my

 **First Mate:** harmonica

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** i uh. threw it in a star lol

**First Mate:** why the FUCK?

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** y do u want to know?

**First Mate:** i need it

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** no fuck off lmao

 **THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** this is the quietest aurora's been in months

**First Mate:** our music is in danger!

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** my peace nd quiet is in danger

**First Mate:** ashes

 **First Mate:** you had BETTER get me another harmonica

 **First Mate:** its for the greater good

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** greater good? 

**First Mate:** yes

**THE SMOKIN' ASHES O'REILLY:** Im ur bassist! Im the greatest good ur ever gonna get  
  
  
  
  



	27. Misquoting For Fun And Profit!

**Raphaella:** Saying it now - the reading comprehension in this crew is  _ piss poor  _

**gimothy timpowder:** how dare you say we piss on the poor

**Frist Mat:** i like getting pissed WITH the poor 

**Frist Mat:** not the rich though 

**Frist Mat:** eat them 

**Hedera Alexandria:** "In a rich man's house there is no place to spit but his face." - Diogenes of Space Sinope 

**Frist Mat:** is that cannibalism?

**Frist Mat:** eating them, not whatever ivys in about

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** omgggg stfu no-one cares 

**Hedera Alexandria:** I was simply quoting a well know space philosopher.

**Frist Mat:** it was a reasonable question!

**gimothy timpowder:** Mr de Ville we are all agreed that a billionaire is not a person 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** tf r u on abt now??

**Hedera Alexandria:** I believe Tim is referencing Earth popular culture in an attempt to be funny. There is a 88% chance he is misquoting "The Muppets" for comedic effect.

**Frist Mat:** ah 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** have we told him he's not funny lol 

**gimothy timpowder:** I am literally *right* here 

**Frist Mat:** thats a yes!

**gimothy timpowder:** @Brine help help I'm being repressed 

**Brine:** i'm sorry, is this some kind of peasant joke i'm too pretty to understand? ｢(ﾟ<ﾟ)ﾞ??

**gimothy timpowder:** that was an Earth reference everybody bully Brian too he just made an Earth reference 

**THE FLAMIN' ASHES O REILLY:** r u saying brian isn't pretty? rude lmao 

**Frist Mat:** yeah dont be rude 

**Frist Mat:** brians pretty 

**Hedera Alexandria:** 100% of the other crewmembers of this ship agree that Brian is pretty.

**Brine:** uwu 

**Raphaella:** Now if  _ anyone  _ remembers my original point, this proves it perfectly 

**Frist Mat:** what was your original point

**Raphaella:** _ Shut up  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Any shenanigan suggestions are always appreciated


End file.
